instructions on being an idiot
Many times in your life people may ask you questions with you doo not wish to answer. Some of the ones I get asked a lot tend to include the following:- How many drinks have you had?
- Where have you been?
- Why are you late?
- What were you thinking?
- Are you always this immature?
Friends, I have come up with a few simple methods to get these people off your back.
Now, first of all, you have your old standby phrases like "It seemed like a good idea at the time". This is a good place to start for you burgeoning idiots out there. Repeat this phrase at whomever is demanding facts from you about why you did something silly or inane, and eventually they will either give up, hit you with something, or explode. Try to survey your surroundings for heavy things they might bonk you with. Never try any of these methods if there is a baseball bat or tennis racket around. Broom handles also hurt. A lot.
Moving up from there, almost any failure on your part to carry out a simple task or arrive on time and sober can be blamed on a "snafu". This is a term of military origin which means "Situation normal: all fucked up". Your inquisitor will be confused by the high military grade of this response, and probably wander away. If not, repeat it.
THe next level of these phrases is called the Cha Cha Cha Method. All you do is simply repeat whatever they say to you and add "Cha cha cha!" to the end. Example:
"Hodgson, where the hell have you been, why are you wearing a blue sequinned cocktail dress, and what the fuck are you doing with that golf club?"
"I have a golf club, Cha cha cha!"
"I'm serious! Answer me!"
"You are serious! Cha cha cha!"
As always, repeat as needed.
If this fails entirely, one can almost certainly blame any bizarre or irresponsible behavior on your part on a henweigh. I have previously discussed this, so I will not go into great detail, but here is an example:
"Isn't that my mom's dress?"
"Yeah, sorry, there was a henweigh wedged in the closet. Had to get it out with the golf club"
"What's a henweigh?"
"Oh, I'd say four or five pounds."
That wraps up the lesson for today, kids. Good luck!
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