the enlightened new yorker
Saturday night Tom and I yet again made our way to the bar. He had been shopping with 4 girls all day, so he was sick of women. We went by ourselves with intentions to fill our guts with beer.After we had been there for a few minutes, and sloshed our way through a couple of pints, a lot of people came and wedged themselves into the seat next to us, spilling over into our area. The most intrepid of the intruders was a very glittery girl.
She was moderately attractive, and quite tall. Her hair was braided at odd angles and differing sizes. Her jacket was of a silvery shiny material, and most of the rest of her clothing sparkled in some way. Even her eyelids had glitter. Her lips had glitter. Everything was sparkly.
Except her conversation.
As soon as her mouth opened, short jabs of bullshit began to shoot forth in drunken mandates. She thought this, she had learned that, she was so sure of the other. She reminded me of a sprinkler head, shooting crap methodically from one side of the room to the other, then retracing her steps and firing again.
I tried to talk to her, but she completely ignored anything that was being said. She insisted that I not only give her a cigarette, but light it for her. After this she began to unroll her philosophy on us like an old, wet carpet.
She was so ENLIGHTENED, you see. She lived in NEW YORK and was a CLOTHES PRODUCER. What the fuck is a clothes producer? Do you sew? Do you make cloth?
Five dollars says she produces little more than empty cups of yogurt and dirty glittery socks.
After shotgunning us with empty rhetoric for the better part of an hour, she stopped short, and eyed Tom.
"I bet I could head butt him in the stomach across the table," she said.
"I sure hope you will." I told her.
After some amount of arranging drinks on the table, she laid on it, and put her head in Tom's lap, sprawling on the table in her tight leather skirt. It was a pretty shitty head butt, speaking as someone who has been the recipient of some fairly vicious ones.
All in all she really made the night. It must be absolutely superb to be that sure you are enlightened. I feel sorry for anyone who has to listen to that on a regular basis.
She also has utterly defused any desire I had to go to New York.
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