selling horns
I tottered around swilling my ale out of an earthenware mug and scouting the possibility of hitting on some chicks in corsets.One might think that renn fairs are no fun, but if you get drunk enough, and start hitting on girls who are faking an english accent, the whole thing takes on a thick outer coating of surrealism.
After a good many of these beers and trying to sit in with a bazuki player (with limited success). I happened upon a tent along the midway which was ringed around with the horns of animals. Inside were three women giggling to one another. I stopped in to introduce myself.
"Horns!" I said.
They giggled.
I introduced myself and cracked a couple of quick jokes to get them laughing. One of them complemented me on my eyebrows, and I almost shit myself laughing. I have no idea why that was so funny.
I started concentrating my charm ray on one of the ladies, whose name was Laura. She was the best looking girl I had seen there all day. I continued to suck beer out of my mug, returning to the bar area now and again to get more.
After I got myself good and shitfaced, I decided to go for broke.
"Okay," I said, with a languid sweep of my mug arm, "If I sell a couple of these horns to people, will you show me around a little bit after you get done here?"
She agreed. I leaped from the tent and began roaring at passersby.
"HORNS" I bellowed, sloshing some beer out of my mug. "FINEST IN THE LAND". I danced, I sang, I acted like a complete buffoon.
I explained to people exactly what I was doing, and how if I sold some horns the girl was going to hang around with me later, and couldn't they please help me out, and so on. The girls dug it because it's a good scheme, and the guys dug it because I implied to them that I would be making with the sexy humpins if they helped me.
Near as I can tell, the men at a renn fair are willing to aid anyone at all in getting sex.
At any rate, I made the grade. I went back to the tent as Laura collected the money from a couple of my victims.
"So, I think I did pretty well." I said.
"You did well, yes. Meet me back here at five?"
"I will." I said. That gave me about an hour to sober up. I decided I'd better have one more. I didn't want to be TOO sober.
I walked around with my buddy and filled him in on the details. Somehow my calculations regarding getting sober and having another beer were somewhat off, because I found myself absolutely slobbering drunk.
I took a moment to draw myself up before I went to meet her back at her tent.
"Okay, Chief" I said to myself (I like to refer to myself using respectful epithets, like Chief, or Captain) "You're about to go try to charm a nice young girl and you're slobbering drunk. Buck up!". I got myself under control, but then some dude walked by in a green cod piece, and I lost it again.
I stumbled over.
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