melon man
Jack very gradually became aware of himself, his consciousness spreading slowly over him the way cream spreads over the bottom of a cup of coffee. He drifted back and forth, but he became aware, at least, that he was becoming aware.He could hear voices, and he could tell they were in English, but he was unable to put them together with ideas at first. Shortly he was able to twitch his face somewhat. His limbs and the rest of his body was unresponsive. No data.
Soon he was able to make the paths between words and concepts.
He heard someone say "Oops, the melon is moving."
Someone else said "Fuck.. alright".
"Signs normalizing. He's stable"
"I hope this one doesn't go all L Ron Hubbard on us"
"Haha, shut up. He's waking up."
Jack discovered that he could twitch his eyes and get them to open into slits. The light that came through was blurry, but it was light. He tried to speak. He could feel his lips moving but nothing came out. Well, fuck.
"Guess I could hook up his talk box."
"It is your job after all."
Jack now had his eyes open. Two blue blobs moved across his field of vision, navigating a bright scene, slightly off-white. He slowly focused.
He found himself looking at two men in their late twenties, both dressed in hospital scrubs. The one on the left was was unshaven, and smirking. The other was fair skinned, and wore glasses.
They were looking at him.
The unshaven one said "Hiya, fuckface!"
"Whuh, uh, what's going on?" Jack managed to stammer.
"Hang on a minute while we get you a little more conscious and then we'll tell you all about it. I'll give you a hint though. Think 'Abominable snowman'"
Jack had no idea what the man was talking about. The fair haired man walked around some, consulting several panels of what looked like instruments that were set into the walls. He saw that one of them looked like a 3d model of a head. The man waved his hand this way and that, and the image turned to match his movements. After a while the fair haired man turned around.
"OK," he said "he's at 80 percent."
"Okay!" the unshaven one exclaimed, taking his feet off the desk he was sitting at and facing Jack from his chair. The fair one sat down and flipped a pair of hinged glasses up and away from his eyes like a garage door.
"I'm Constable Zektar and this white-skinned cock gobbler is my manservent, Taints McFuckpants." At this he giggled to himself. The fair one shot unshaven a look.
"Ok, ok, I'm Dan and this is Bob. We're technicians at a cryogenic clinic, and you, thanks to the wonders of modern medicine, are actually realizing your dream of being reanimated after your untimely death, which appears to have been... let's see..." Dan turned to look at a panal on the desk, his chair creaking as he leaned. "Ooh! A tornado! You poor bastard."
"Reanimated?" Jack asked.
"Yeah. You had your head frozen in the event of your death so that you could be reanimated once medical science caught up with your ambition to live forever."
"Oh yeah" said Jack "My wife talked me into it. Has she been reanimated too?"
"Not yet, but she will be. She's due in a week or so. Held up in red tape, sort of"
"Don't jerk me around man, is my wife okay or not?"
"Oh yeah she's fine, it's just that there are some, uh, extenuating circumstances."
"Like what?"
"Just tell him," Bob said with a sigh.
"Ok dude, here it is. See, your wife outlived you by about 30 years. She met and married someone else, as you can imagine she would, and they are being reanimated together."
"Huh." Jack said. "Um. Jeez."
"Yeah, no shit. Kinda puts a bummer on the whole eternal life thing, doesn't it?"
"Well yeah. Tell me at least you guys have invented flying cars and jetpacks and stuff like that."
"Oh yeah we have. And since you wisely made a few investments before your death, the intervening time has made you a modest fortune. However, since you are only a head, you're kind of fucked out of that sort of fun."
"Ah SHIT" Jack said. "Fuck! I didn't think it would ever happen! I didn't want to pay the extra 20 grand to get my whole body done. A head! How am I supposed to do anything?"
"Well first of all, your body was pretty mangled by the accident that ended your life. You owe your fine facial features to that cracker over there." He jerked his thumb at Bob.
Bob touched his temple briefly in a mock salute. "You were pretty beaten up." he said "I figured you for a car wreck, but a tornado! That's something to be proud of."
"Uh, thanks" Jack said, "but what the fuck am I supposed to do as just a head?"
"Well actually we have a cybernetic body we will stick you on tomorrow. I just wanted to watch you wrestle with the whole 'being a head' thing for a minute or two."
"He loves that.." Bob said.
"Well that's cool. Will everything work?"
"Oh yeah, right down to your John Thomas. You won't notice a difference in any sensation at all, except your bones will be virtually unbreakable, your skin will clean itself, and any cuts you get will heal themselves in about half the time. Oh, and you won't ever die. UNLESS, of course, you find yourself in another catastrophic accident. But you're going to be more careful this time, aren't you?" Dan giggled after delivering this little speech.
"Wow. This is all a lot to digest. I wish I could pace around and think."
"Sucks being a melon, doesn't it? You're lucky Bob isn't putting his nuts on your forehead." Dan nodded knowingly.
Bob rolled his eyes at this.
"Well anyway you are at 100% now. It's time for our lunch, so we're going to knock you out again till body time. Then you can pace all you like. Anything to say before you go back under?"
"Yeah," said Jack "Why do they let someone like you wake people up?"
"Well, let's just say a lot has changed politically since you croaked. The long and short of it is... WHAT DO YOU CARE? YOU'RE ALIVE" Dan screamed this last at Jack, then stepped back to give him a very emphatic finger. He hit a panel behind him. "Sleep tight, melon man."
Jack thought as he drifted away again, "I hope they give me a big cock."
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