secret chortlers
I was asleep at my desk with my sunglasses on when the new Senior Vice President of Sales and Marketing came down to network operations to meet everyone."Hi!", she bubbled.
I whipped my shades off and turned around.
"Do you know who I am?" she asked.
"Yeah you're the new VP of something" I thought I had it right.
"Senior VP. You demoted me!". She giggled about this, but I could tell it was important to her that I knew just how much more important than me she was.
"OH, uh, sorry. My name's Tom Vines."
"Hi Tom!" we shook hands.
"I'm Jim Hodgson" Tom told her.
We had her going on the name switch, but one of the marketing drones in her entourage straightened her out. She then proceeded to repeat for about 45 seconds that she knew what she was doing in Sales and Marketing, changing the phrasing up to confuse the sick and the weak. I AM NEITHER.
"Well when I worked at BigWellKnownNetworks we had 13 channels, and I was the head of sales, and gosh don't you little people smell bad, oh and i make enough money to have Strom Thurman hotwax my ass cheeks twice a month. I know what I'm doing! I'm perfect for this job!"
I sat in stunned silence, and watched her little speech. She then proceeded to launch into just how funny she was, and how she was flying to New York to do standup. Good lord.
Now people, I am a reasonably funny guy, and I can assure you that if there's any way to make something as dry as turtle sex, it's to ANNOUNCE BEFOREHAND that the following story will be funny, and that you are furthermore a semi-professional funnyperson. Don't tip your hand.
Needless to say the story was not funny at all. If she had just whipped it out on us, maybe, but I doubt it. I heard later about how her trip to NY went. I heard she bombed.
It's unfortunate, but necessary, like survival of the fittest. As someone who considers himself funny, I can tell you that all the funny people I know have been honing their craft all their lives, in the oppressive tedium of the classroom, to divert attention from themselves in any situation, and to try to get chicks/dudes.
We are a secret society of chortlers, time-hardened and proud.
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